tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-151561392011-04-21T16:49:14.003-07:00Not yet twenty years old and embroiled in an extra marital affair. Riddled with guilt as know I have so much to be thankful for (young, able bodied, pretty, don't have herpes that I know of) and yet I despise so much of my life and drink too much.jeaous, sad, pathetic. In Essex.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17828429126462121026noreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15156139.post-1123291853229031662005-08-06T02:33:00.000-07:002005-08-05T18:30:53.236-07:00I apologise for the language.<br /><br />I don't know where to start all this. He was my teacher and I love him more than anything and more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. Everything is awful. I adore this man, who I know I am too good for, and he is a nutcase. His mother is an alcoholic and I swear to God he is getting there. I love him, I love him, I love him and I hate this. So I've given him THE ultimatium. While he is in Australia. Like the idiot that I am. I know he will choose her. I know he will. There is no reason for him to choose me, even though I love him more, am a nicer person, am prettier, and am not just using him as some meal ticket, like she is. He is a spineless, gutless wank and he won't choose me because I don't have a morgage with him.<br /><br />Add to this a best friend who is about as useful as Sooty in a nuclear holocaust, my own growing drink problem, and no idea what I want to do with my life, and you have the basic outline of my life. But I feel so guilty for saying that because my family love me, I have all my limbs and I am not living in a war zone (though the way things feel here in London at the moment, that could all change). I have enough to eat, and I am middle class enough to have created all of my own problems, including my fucking drink problem.<br /><br />I know I am starting to develop one of those because I drink every night. I drink to forget, to make the sharp, stabbing pain of everything in the back of my brain go away. The other day I got off the phone with <span style="font-style: italic;">him</span> at around two in the afternoon, and <span style="font-style: italic;">had a beer</span>! Just because I couldn't handle everything going on in my brain. Mind you, why is it any worse to drink in the day than the night? It's just always bad to have to drink to forget, this way.<br /><br />My mum and dad don't know... I so wish I could tell my mum the truth. Sometimes when it all hurts so much I am reaching for a bottle, I just think "this would be so much better if my mum knew". She wouldn't understand though. Not because she is judgemental or anything, just because she sees me as a strong, take-no-bullshit sort of a woman, and I know she is proud of me for that. It would really shatter her illusions to know that I'm letting this man walk all over me. It would upset me if she knew what a loser I am.<br /><br />And all I actually did wrong was fall in love. Jesus.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/15156139-112329185322903166?l=sadandpathetic.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>jeaous, sad, pathetic. In Essex.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17828429126462121026noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15156139.post-1123290873006602842005-08-06T02:15:00.000-07:002005-08-05T18:19:24.176-07:00Hey everyone<br /><br />My name is Caregan Stephenson, or in an ideal world it would be, and I am a jealous, sad, pathetic loser from Essex, Bonny Old England. My life is a mixture of the inane and the downright pathetic and yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my lovers marriage to his fat bitch of a wife. He won't leave her, and today we have officially been having an affair for longer than he was married without me being around. Oh, and he is in Australia with her. FUCKING CUNT.<br /><br />I hate the situation but I love him and it's all hell on wheels.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/15156139-112329087300660284?l=sadandpathetic.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>jeaous, sad, pathetic. In Essex.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17828429126462121026noreply@blogger.com0